Another sector of the population is addressing Santa’s belly.  If I have heard my son say it once, I have heard him say it a thousand times, “Dad, when I grow up I want to be as fat as Santa.”  Quite frankly I’m scared.  We are an overweight society and a fat Santa is not helping any.

That leaves the color of his outfit.  It is generally a bright, bright red.  Or should I say communist red?  When I think of red I think of communism.  I think of a monstrous horde of men who reek of vodka, clad in red uniforms on razor sharp ice skates pummeling our national hockey team (except for 1980 of course). I think of Stalin, Lenin, and the cold war.  I also think of Santa.  The correlation is as obvious as the red nose on Rudolph’s face.  We are playing with fire. 

If we do not want our children to grow up to be fat, trash talking, communists we need to put our foot down. 

Let us also take care of any future issues we might have with Santa.  Santa should be skinny but not too skinny because we have to worry about influencing anorexics.  Santa should be a female with slightly less than average sized breasts.  We all know that the manufacturer of "Barbie's" has had issues with breast size.  Santa should be of color and multi-lingual.  It would be nice if she had the ability to sign for the hearing impaired.

There are other serious issues to worry about.  If we keep the reindeer then Rudolph has to lose the shiny red nose.  When we see someone with a big red nose we think that they are an alcoholic.  Think Tip O’Neill.  Since Rudolph is essentially operating a sleigh our kids may get the idea that it is cool to drive while intoxicated.

But shouldn’t we really lose the reindeer all together?  Santa has to whip them to go faster and fly higher.  The PETA people should have been up in arms about this travesty years ago.  Santa should go hybrid or simply not go at all.

Finally everyone knows that elves make all the toys.  Go up to the next three foot person you see and call them an elf.  Do not be surprised if they go ballistic and karate chop your knee.  “Vertically challenged” is the only proper way to reference the little people.

Santa is not the only mythical iconic figure that is poisoning the minds of our youth.  Do I need to point out the insatiable sexual appetite that is attributed to the rabbit?  Easter is just around the corner folks.

Please, please do not even get me started on the tooth fairy.  I will have to save that one for another article.

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